🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.